“You have reached the voicemail for Hell…”

Call this number.

Do it now.

(415) 648-4112

I myself left a detailed — yet respectful — message for Satan’s secretary Aleister Crowley about how Tom Cruise has been getting out of control, and how they should probably pick someone else to assume the Number of the Beast now that L. Ron Hubbard is dead.

I was going to add a “Hail Xenu” at the end of the message … but I’m not really sure if the Dark Lord is homies with THAT weirdo.

(Seriously, click on the links up in here. Hours of entertainment.)